Easing Your Grief This Christmas

Grief is difficult at any time of year, but Christmas, traditionally a time for family, can leave us feeling our grief more acutely.

Written by: Jenny Hodsdon, a trauma-informed Counsellor in Cheshire.

Christmas can be difficult when you are grieving.

The chances are most of us will be grieving in some form or other, whether we lost someone 5 weeks, 5 months, 5 or 50 years ago.

How long does Grief last?

I believe that our grieving process lasts as long as our love lasts for that person. As it's unlikely we would stop loving them just because they died, grief continues although most theorists accept that it may change over time. One thing I can say for certain about grief; It rarely takes a linear road.

I would say it's best if you imagine it to be a very incompetent Sat Nav and expect instead for it to zig-zag, meander and even take a few detours.

A Metaphor for Grief

A useful metaphor for grief is that of a tsunami which embodies the feelings of shock , disbelief and overwhelming emotion we are struck with at the start,followed by large waves which lessen in size over time. Current grief theory says that grief is an emotional storm that doesn't follow a set path, as we once thought.

Reminders

If you have had a bereavement recently, and it's the first Christmas without your person, this and all the other 'anniversaries' and special celebrations you shared will most likely be especially hard.

It's also worth saying that there can still be a sense of shock at these times, or numbness, which once it wears off, means that the second crop of special days can feel that bit harder.

It is times like these when we can be reminded of the person we are missing. Social media remembers even if we don't-sharing past milestones and photos that pop up just when we least expect.

The Loss of What Should have been.

It may be you are dreading Christmas and other special times, knowing that your mind will focus on them, but also what you no longer have. It's the secondary loss of what you assumed your life would be; the loss of your assumptive world.

I always feel that this is one of the hardest aspects of grief ito navigate. Grief isn't just the missing of the person, their habits, their voice and their personality, but the things we can no longer share, the events, births, weddings, graduations, the good times, even just a trip to the garden centre or a short break away.

Grief Can be a Lonely Place

It may help you to know that you are not alone in your grief although we know grief can feel a lonely place sometimes. One of best things we can do is connect with others who are grieving too, it is well-known fact that as humans we often feel better if we can talk or share our feelings with those who are having similar feelings as us.

Everyone's grief will be different just as the relationship we have with our lost person is unique . What you may not know is that grief is a universal experience and some of the experiences we have in grief, will inevitably be the same .

It is normal, for example, to feel a sense of them 'being there'. Whether you are spiritual or not, our brains are very good at keeping a place in our memory that is a good representation or schema if you like of that person.

Their loss may hardest to bear at a time when you would most want them here, but there are some steps we can take to make it feel a little easier.

Things To Try

• As mentioned before, finding a group of similar people to share experiences with can help, perhaps try a Google search of groups nearby.

• Hobbies and especially those involving smaller, focused tasks can help if you are feeling anxious (common in grief, especially in the early days, weeks or months.

• If you notice that anxiety is increasing, use a breathing method to bring a bit of calm eg box breathing or colour breathing, for a guide, see here.

• Writing down your feelings can be immensely cathartic. This is especially good if you have been left with feelings of guilt, resentment or regret. Always seek professional help if you feel distressed or very overwhelmed with the feelings.

• Set time aside to remember your person. Allow yourself to feel the sadness of your loss.

• Devise a ritual to remember the person; light a candle (I have one each for the four loved ones I lost, each selected to reflect the person), construct a small ofrenda (this is a Mexican tradition usually created during their Dia de los Muertos celebration) or visit a place that was special to you both. If you have a faith this may include a visit to your church, mosque, synagogue or temple.

• Journal your feelings and memories on the day, maybe even create an art journal (there are lots of tutorials on Youtube).

• Above all, look after yourself the best you can. Just a small act of self-care can make us feel so much better, although I know it can feel like climbing a mountain.

• Remember that you are allowed to grieve your person or your pet; although painful it is normal to grieve.

I hope you have found this blog post helpful.

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