How to make Letting Go easier

Why is Letting Go so hard and what can we do to make it easier for ourselves?

Keywords: Change, Acceptance, Letting Go, Moving On, Rumination.

Blog Written By

Jenny, a Trauma-informed Counsellor in Cheshire

What do I mean by 'Letting Go?'

Letting go' means, figuratively speaking, releasing your grip on something-it may mean to stop worrying about something (a past event for example), to accept things as they are to avoid distress. It may be the act of leaving something behind and embracing (or not ,as the case may be), something new.

When might it happen?

Change happens to us all; it's an integral part of the human experience. And let's be honest, it can be a wonderful thing. A new love, a new home, a better paid or more satisfying job. However, a lot of people struggle with letting go of the 'before', especially if the change is unwanted, a failed relationship, an unwanted career change, or a health issue.

It may be you are struggling to let go of an event that happened where you keep replaying it in your mind? This often happens if the event was embarrassing in some way.

Maybe you have trouble letting go letting go of a particular dream or goal you've had?

You find you are repeating a particularly negative narrative about your life that you can't relinquish for a more positive one.

Frustratingly we may just keep staying 'stuck' with any of the above but without really knowing why. Read on for some reasons why that may be happening for you.

Why do we struggle to Let Things Go?

I came across an article on Cobwebbing recently-not a Halloween decorating event it turns out ,but a new decluttering method. A sewing kit your Mum left you, a scarf an ex bought you that you no longer wear-using one of the many methods available you can release them to the recycling bin, your local charity shop or sell them on. Not necessarily easy to do, often there is an emotional component at work, but you get the idea.

When it comes to trying to release something that is stuck in our brain, an event, a person,

a memory, a thought, a grudge, it's a little more complex.

What are you telling yourself?

Some things may have served us well at one time. Patterns of thinking, having a particular narrative about your life or a situation can perpetuate distress if you constantly replay them in your mind. Changing that narrative can help us to move on, maybe by accepting a different , more positive version.

Constantly rehashing the past brings with it the emotions you no doubt felt at the time. Emotional memory (stored mainly in your Amygdala and Hippocampus) will ensure you feel it all again!

Sometimes we won't relinquish something, for example, an unfulfilled dream, because we have put so much into it already (this is called a Sunk Cost Fallacy), even though we are flailing at something that has no hope of materialising!

Why don't we just let it go?

Lots of reasons.

• Loss Aversion is one-we may fear the feelings of loss when we let go, and these can be intense, almost overwhelming sometimes.

• We may worry we will lose control of a situation, a person or the future we had imagined for ourselves.

• It can simply just feel safer to stay where we are.

• Ruminating thoughts about some aspects of life can keep us locked in negative thinking patterns.

• Rumination is your brains attempt to solve what it subconsciously sees as 'a problem to be solved'

• According to Timothy A Carey at Psychology Today there may be a good reason for holding on, we just have to work out what it is in that case!

• We feel stuck but then convince ourselves we are there for eternity-this means those pesky old cognitive distortions are at play . An example being catastrophising-thinking some is much worse than it actually is.

• Problems with accepting what is.

Ways to move on

• Facing the past when we feel triggered, not shying away from it, possibly seeing a trauma-informed professional if you recognise this is happening.

• It's natural to dwell a bit-our brains love to have a problem to solve as I said earlier. This also ensures we reflect on our behaviour according to Professor Michelle Moulds of the UNSW School of Psychology.

• Setting a time limit on worrying eg 10 minutes or a particular time of day.

• If you are aware your thinking is a little off (Cognitive distortions) see getselfhelp for a list of the most common ones and their remedies.

• Mindfulness can help to stay more in the present, rather than the past.

• Accept, change ot Let Go. A quick Google search will direct you to this well-known CBT technique.

Final Word

Apologies if this blog has left you singing a well-known song in your head!

Whichever means you choose to allow yourself to let something go, and you may have to trial a few, try to remind yourself that the final act of letting something go can be hugely freeing.

It very often paves the way for other things, rewarding things, to come into your life.